I'm not afraid of emotions. Some people are...
In general, some day's are harder than others.
I think I can speak for everyone, when I say getting out of bed in the morning is one of the worst parts of the day. You've just woken up and you're still tired and still amidst your dreams. It's when your bed feels the most comfy too. You cherish even just one extra minute of lying there on the brink of sleep.
When you feel lost, or sad, or broken, or just unsure of your life in general, it makes that moment so much harder. You would give anything to slip back into your dreams where everything seems to be okay. The thought of facing the day can be sickening. Your bed is like a warm embrace, holding you, and protecting you from the reality that you may not want to face... I've been having mornings like that a lot lately.
I'm reading a book, and it talks a lot about emotions. It talks about how some people make themselves numb to feelings of sadness and pain as a coping mechanism... what they don't realize is that when they do this, they inadvertently make themselves numb to happy feelings too. When you ignore your sad feelings, your ability to embrace good and happy feelings is diminished. -- I think this is very true, and I think I stand as an example to the opposite of numbing.
Sometimes I think, how wonderful it would be to be able to numb myself to pain and sorrow. To not even have to deal with it. I feel it would make me stronger, or at least seem that way... The fact of the matter is, I am incapable of the whole numbing thing. I am so susceptible to emotion, that it doesn't even have to be my pains and hardships that get me down and bring me to tears. I feel pain, sorrow, stress, anger -- whatever! -- for even the smallest of issues, woes, hardships, bumps in the road... But, its the same for the opposite. The smallest little things make me so happy, I'm very easily excited, and often times, I get so happy that I cry. And other people's happiness makes me happy too. I appreciate the good that life brings to me and to others as well. I embrace emotion. It's not something I do on purpose. It's just part of who I am. How I operate. -- This is something I know about myself. Something I recently learned.
Sometimes, I wish I could stop, because, when I'm sad, it's hard for me to snap out of it. If something is bothering me, its hard for me to let it go. If I'm upset, I talk about it, and I talk about it and I talk about it. Some people can't handle this part of my personality, which, I can understand. I know that I need to learn to distinguish real problems from minor blips that I sometimes interpret as major issues. I'm a drama queen that way. But it's part of who I am. And I always figure out sooner or later, that sometimes, I do freak out over nothing. I'll learn eventually to figure that out before I start to stress over the "issue." But, I wont stop myself from embracing emotions. I could never give up the feeling of extacy that I get sometimes over the things that make me happy. I think it's worth the overwhelming sadness that I feel sometimes -- that I feel right now. I want so badly to just stop feeling and get over it. Move on with my life. But I can't. If I don't allow myself to go through what I'm going through, I'll stunt my growth. And right now, I'm all about growth.
I'm having a hard time right now. My focus is hard to hold. Sometimes I sleep well, other times I don't. Sometimes I'm so hungry, I feel I could eat for days. And still, other times, I can't even stand the smell of food. My mind is constantly going a million miles a minute. Ideas and thoughts and feelings and memories are all bouncing around inside my unicorn filled head (only some of you will get the unicorn thing). I feel like I could write at least10 different blog posts on all the stuff I'm tossing around up there. But I wont. For now, I'll leave it at this.
I'll offer one piece of advice. Take it, or leave. Change, heartbreak, sorrow... It all sucks. Sometimes it makes getting up in the morning 10 times harder than it already is. But don't ignore it. And also, don't let it defeat you. Allow yourself to feel the pain, but still have the strength to push through the day. One day at a time people. One day at a time.
Today I'm grateful for my amazing family, who always are there for me no matter what; who understand me better than anyone; and who help me to see me for me. <3
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